Reconciling the Shattered Parts of Myself
If you would have asked me ten years ago about my childhood, I would have described to you that it was really difficult, intense and unusual. As I have gone down the path of inner healing I have come to see that it was far more traumatic than I had ever realized.
What we grow up with is our "normal." So, we often don't understand the abnormality or incredible insanity of our "normal." I had no words or names or labels for the experiences.
Perhaps I can give just a small glimpse into my growing up years by sharing this one scene. I'm turning 16 and on my birthday I receive a call from someone who is meant to be a person who loves and supports me the most in life. Instead of loving birthday wishes I am given a death threat. The person tells me in a mentally unstable rage (an instability that was the backdrop of our family's life for years): if you make certain choices in your life that do not please me I will show up with a gun and kill you.
Yes, this story is real I am not making it up.
There is a shattering of one's spirit that occurs in traumatic situations like this. I didn't perceive the depth of pain that moment caused and sustained in my life over the next 10 years. I knew it was hurtful and I was devastated. I did not realize that I would live in a constant state of wondering if that person would show up and follow through with his threat. I did not realize that a moment like this could cause PTSD.
This morning as I meditated and opened to understand what was going on inside my soul I heard this: You are healing a deep desire that you had as a teenage girl. You wanted to be loved as you were for who you were.
This desire to be seen for who we are and loved as we are is a simple, profound and innate desire we all have. When it goes unmet, pain emerges and we begin to question if we are acceptable or not.
I am a trained mediator and have often mediated conflicts in corporate, community and familial environments. What I was shown this morning was that it is time I went even deeper inside to use my mediation skills on an Inner Reconciliation. I saw that I can bring these various parts of myself together for a meeting to bring deeper understanding and inner unification. If I can bring together and restore the unity of the parts of myself that felt cut off or unloved after that death threat a deeper sense of restoration and healing will emerge.
And so, the work begins and I am excited. I have been on the healing journey for many years now and each insight I am guided to leads me to a deeper, more profound level of peace. Doing the inner work takes awareness and a willingness to feel things that I'd prefer not to have to feel again. Yet, I choose to do so because I know that what is left unfelt and unheard in my soul will continue to cry out for attention and create chaos in my life. I have decided to consciously choose to handle the layers of past trauma that emerge so that I become more free and clear and healed within.
As I heal, I can offer healing to the world. That is one of the deepest desires I have. My purpose is to be love now. I can more and more fully be LOVE as I release any remnants of pain that exist in my being.
I pray this blog resonates in some way with you and leads you to taking a deeper ownership of your healing journey. Your pain may not come from something as dramatic or insane as the situation I had as a kid. Even so, your pain is your pain and it needs your attention. I know this path is not easy while in the midst of it, but it brings the freedom and tranquility we all yearn for.
I coach people through these processes so never hesitate to reach out. It would be a honor to hold your hand as you leverage the pain into growth and power and purpose.
I see that the insane dramas that I lived out in my childhood are what has given me depth and breadth and deep compassion for the world around me. For that, I am grateful.