Reconciling the Shattered Parts of Myself

If you would have asked me ten years ago about my childhood, I would have described to you that it was really difficult, intense and unusual. As I have gone down the path of inner healing I have come to see that it was far more traumatic than I had ever realized.

What we grow up with is our “normal.” So, we often don’t understand the abnormality or incredible insanity of our “normal.” I had no words or names or labels for the experiences. Perhaps I can give just a small glimpse into my growing-up years by sharing this one scene. I’m turning 16 and on my birthday I receive a call from someone who is meant to be a person who loves and supports me the most in life. Instead of loving birthday wishes, I am given a death threat. The person tells me in a mentally unstable rage (an instability that was the backdrop of our family’s life for years): if you make certain choices in your life that do not please me I will show up with a gun and kill you.

Yes, this story is real I am not making it up.

here is a shattering of one’s spirit that occurs in traumatic situations like this. I didn’t perceive the depth of pain that moment caused and sustained in my life over the next 10 years. I knew it was hurtful and I was devastated. I did not realize that I would live in a constant state of wondering if that person would show up and follow through with his threat. I did not realize that a moment like this could cause PTSD.

This morning as I meditated and opened up to understand what was going on inside my soul I heard this: You are healing a deep desire that you had as a teenage girl. You wanted to be loved as you were for who you were. This desire to be seen for who we are and loved as we are is a simple, profound, and innate desire we all have. When it goes unmet, pain emerges and we begin to question if we are acceptable or not.

I am a trained mediator and have often mediated conflicts in corporate, community, and familial environments. What I was shown this morning was that it is time I went even deeper inside to use my mediation skills on an Inner Reconciliation. I saw that I can bring these various parts of myself together for a meeting to bring deeper understanding and inner unification. If I can bring together and restore the unity of the parts of myself that felt cut off or unloved after that death threat a deeper sense of restoration and healing will emerge.

And so, the work begins and I am excited. I have been on the healing journey for many years now and each insight I am guided to leads me to a deeper, more profound level of peace. Doing the inner work takes awareness and a willingness to feel things that I’d prefer not to have to feel again. Yet, I choose to do so because I know that what is left unfelt and unheard in my soul will continue to cry out for attention and create chaos in my life. I have decided to consciously choose to handle the layers of past trauma that emerge so that I become more free and clear and healed within.

As I heal, I can offer to heal to the world. That is one of the deepest desires I have. My purpose is to be loved now. I can more and more fully be LOVE as I release any remnants of pain that exist in my being.

I pray this blog resonates in some way with you and leads you to take deeper ownership of your healing journey. Your pain may not come from something as dramatic or insane as the situation I had as a kid. Even so, your pain is your pain and it needs your attention. I know this path is not easy while in the midst of it, but it brings the freedom and tranquility we all yearn for.

I coach people through these processes so never hesitate to reach out. It would be an honor to hold your hand as you leverage the pain into growth and power and purpose. I see that the insane dramas that I lived out in my childhood are what have given me depth and breadth and deep compassion for the world around me. For that, I am grateful.